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Thread: A new funnies thread

  1. #193
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    Default Re: A new funnies thread

    On their wedding night, the young bride
    Approached her new husband and asked
    For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
    Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
    Her husband readily agreed.
    This scenario was repeated each time they made
    Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
    Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
    She needed.
    Arriving home around noon one day, she was
    Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
    During the next few minutes, he explained that
    His employer was going through a process of corporate
    Downsizing, and he had been let go.


    It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
    Another position that paid anywhere near what
    He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


    Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
    Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
    Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
    By the
    bank which were worth over $2 million,
    And informed him that they
    Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


    She explained that for more than
    Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
    These holdings had multiplied and these were the
    Results of her savings and investments.

    Faced with evidence of cash and investments
    Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
    Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
    'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
    I would have given you all my business!'

    That's when she shot him.

    You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
    To keep their mouths shut

  2. #194
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    Default Re: A new funnies thread

    Good one Steve.

  3. #195
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    Default Re: A new funnies thread

    The Wizard of Oz is 72 years old!

    Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no balls,
    she wouldn't be in Oz.


    She'd be in Congress!

  4. #196
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    Default Re: A new funnies thread

    lol

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    Default Re: A new funnies thread






    Two Alligators


    Two Alligators were sitting around talking, and the smaller Alligator turned to the bigger one & said, 'I can't understandhow you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

    'Well,' said the big Gator,what have you been eating?'

    'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Gator.

    'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

    'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol'

    'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

    'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars & wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the s*** out of them and eat 'em! '

    'Ah!' says the big Alligator, 'I think I see your problem You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the s*** out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase



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    Default Re: A new funnies thread

    She whispered "will it hurt me?"
    "Of course not" answered he
    "It's a very simple process,
    You can rely on me."

    She said "I'm very frightened,
    I've not had this before.
    My friend has had it five times
    And said it can be sore."

    It was growing rather painful
    Tears formed in her eyes
    It was hurting quite a bit now
    It must have been a size.

    "Calm yourself" he whispered
    "His face filled with a grin
    "Try and open wider
    So I can get it in."

    "It's coming now" he whispered
    "I know" she cried in bliss
    Feeling it deep within her now
    She said "I am glad I'm having this."

    And with a final effort
    She gave a frightened shout
    He gripped it in anguish
    And quickly pulled it out.

    She lay back quite contended
    Sighed and gave a smile
    She said "I'm glad I came now
    You made it worth my while."

    Now if you read this carefully
    The dentist you will find
    Is not what you imagined
    It's just your dirty mind!!

  7. #199
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    Default Re: A new funnies thread


    A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

    "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

    The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

    "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."


    So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

    "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

    First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."


    "Second - There's a pit bull chained in
    the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."


    "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You
    have to take care of that problem."


    The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart
    of tequila and then do all those other things!"


    "Your call," says the bartender, "but,
    your money stays where it is."


    As time goes on, the man has a few
    more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"


    He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
    Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
    Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

    Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

  8. #200
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    Default Re: A new funnies thread

    LMFAO oh Bob that's sick

  9. #201
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    Default Re: A new funnies thread

    You are sooooo bad Bob!

  10. #202
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    Default Re: A new funnies thread

    Bob at his best

    I think I might just have had the tequila then stopped... A quart of tequila for $10 ...sounds like a deal to me
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    Default Re: A new funnies thread

    I had a feeling you might pick up on that Mike.

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    Default Re: A new funnies thread

    Just when I needed a good laugh and a drink you guys delivered
    "You're never to old to learn something stupid."

  13. #205
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    Default Re: A new funnies thread

    I don't think this was posted yet...

    Advert: Guess the product... http://www.noob.us/humor/you-will-ne...s-ad-is-about/
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  14. #206
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    Default Re: A new funnies thread

    LOL its an old one now but still makes me laugh

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    Default Re: A new funnies thread

    This made me laugh my ass off


    http://youtu.be/EuBNifd1iIk

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    Default Re: A new funnies thread

    A Psychiatrist conducted a group therapy session w/ 4 mothers.
    "You all have obsessions," he says.
    To the 1st mother, he says, "You are obsessed with eating, & even named your daughter Candy."

    He turned to the 2nd Mother,
    "You're obsessed w/money,& u named your child Penny."

    He turns to the 3rd Mother,"Your obsession is alcohol, & you named your child Brandy."

    At this point, the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand & whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving!

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