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Thread: A new funnies thread

  1. #17
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    so thats how they do it down in Ontario hmmm.

  2. #18
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    Like something from King of the Hill.

  3. #19
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    Default This is from the private diary of a Viagra housewife...

    Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

    Day 2 Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

    Day 3 This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

    Day 4 A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

    Day 5 What absolute bliss!!!

    Day 6 Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

    Day 7 This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended!
    Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

    Day 8 I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

    Day 9 No time to write. He might catch me.

    Day 10 Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

    Day 11 I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed.
    Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

    Day 12 I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

    Day 13 Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

    Day 14 I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

    Day 15 I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and f**k himself and he did!

    Day 16 The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

    Day 17 Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

    Day 18 He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

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  5. #20
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    Lmao

  6. #21
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    Rofl...good one
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  7. #22
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  8. #23
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    Default Slow Day

    It is a slow day in the small Saskatchewan town of Pumphandle and streets are
    deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

    A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the
    night.

    As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

    The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

    The pig farmer
    takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

    The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

    The hooker
    rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

    The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.

    At that moment
    the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

    No one
    produced anything. No one earned anything... However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.



    And that,
    ladies and gentlemen, is how a "stimulus package" works.


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  12. #26
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    Default The Economy is so bad that...

    The economy is so bad that....

    I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

    Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford
    batteries.

    I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can
    you afford fries with that?"

    CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

    Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

    My ATM gave me an IOU!

    A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies
    while she danced.

    I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

    I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.

    If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them
    and ask if they meant you or them.

    McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

    Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America ...

    Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's
    names.

    My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they
    re-possessed her!

    A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

    A picture is now only worth 200 words.

    They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street .."

    When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

    The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

    Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!
    The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people
    who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

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  14. #27
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    Default Visit to China

    While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
    A week after arriving back home in Qld, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
    Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this
    before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
    The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've
    contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'
    The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me upDoc.'
    The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
    The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
    The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only
    choice.'
    The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
    The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware
    disease.'
    The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
    The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.
    'Stupid Aussie docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'
    Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
    'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

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  16. #28
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    Default

    This seems like a good place to post......

    Canadian or American? a short guide

    An American will say, "Hot day!" A Canadian will say, "Hot day, eh?" meaning "It's a hot day, isn't it?"

    This is something deeper than spelling or pronunciation. It goes to the heart of the less-assertive Canadian character. The United States was born when Americans revolted against King George III and asserted their independence. Canada never came to a similar point of self-assertion and that little word "eh?" is their refusal even to assert that it's a hot day without inviting somebody else to verify it.

    One definition of a Candian is "a North American who refuses to join the revolution".

    Another way to tell the difference between a Canadian and an American is to invite the suspected Canuck to lunch and watch him eat. If he's really upper crust, he'll eat like an Englishman, with knife and fork held firmly in his right and left hands. He'll cut with his knife, pack the results on the back of his fork and convey the food to his mouth with the fork still in this left hand.

    Many an American eats with knife and fork, too, but in a different way. He takes the knife in his right hand and the fork in his left to cut up the food. Then he puts the knife down and takes the fork in the right hand to convey the food to his mouth.

    A common garden-variety Canadian does the job differently. He doesn't use his knife at all, except for particularly stubborn steaks and other such tough foods. Instead he takes the fork in his right hand and leaves the knife beside his plate. Then he cuts the food with the edge of the fork and feeds himself with the fork held in the same hand.

    But suppose all these tests are inconclusive. There's one more, rather dangerous, way to tell a Canadian from an American. Just remark to the suspect that Canadians and Americans are so much alike that it's hard to tell one from the other. If the person involved is an American, he'll probably agree.

    But if he's a Canadian he'll let you know, in no uncertain terms, that you're wrong. And that stubborn sense of difference is one main reason why the two countries, despite similarities, remain separate.

    How you can spot a Canadian, eh? -Don McGillivray (Ottawa columnist for Southam Newspapers)

    How do you tell a Canadian from an American?

    It used to be enough to ask him to say the alphabet. When the Canadian got to the end, he'd say "zed" instead of "zee". But 18 years of Sesame Street have taught a lot of Canadian kids to say "zee," and it's starting to sound as natural as it does south of the 49th parallel.

    Another test used to be the word "lieutenant". Canadians pronounced it in the British was, "leftenant", while Americans say "lootenant". But American cop shows and army shows and movies have eroded that difference, too.

    Canadians have been adopting American spelling as well. They used to put a "u" in words like labour. The main organization in the country, the equivalent of the AFL-CIO, is still officially called the Canadian Labour Congress. But news organizations have been wiping out that distinction by adopting American spelling, mostly to make it easier to use news copy from such agencies as Associated Press without a lot of changes. So it's "Canadian Labor Congress" when the Canadian Press, the national news agency, writes about it.

    Some pronunciations, considered true tests of Canadians, are not as reliable as they're thought. Take the word "house" for example. When some Canadians say it, it sounds very Scottish in American ears. Visiting Americans trying to reproduce what they hear usually give the Canadian pronunciation as "hoose".

    The same for "out" and "about". The way some Canadians say them sounds like "oot" and "aboot" to many Americans. And when an American says "house" to a Canadian, the Canadian often hears a bit of an "ay" in it, something like "hayouse".

    But pronunctiaiton isn't a good test because people from different parts of Canada speak differently. A resident of the Western province of Alberta, where there has been a considerable inflow of settlers from the United States, may sound like a Montanan or a Dakotan.

    Then there's the ubiquitous Canadian expression "eh?" - pronounced "ay?" This is a better test because many Canadians tack it on to the end of every assertion to turn it into a question.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer

    Eye halve a spelling chequer
    It came with my pea sea
    It plainly marques four my revue
    Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

    Eye strike a key and type a word
    And weight four it two say
    Weather eye am wrong oar write
    It shows me strait a weigh.

    As soon as a mist ache is maid
    It nose bee fore two long
    And eye can put the error rite
    Its rarely ever wrong.

    Eye have run this poem threw it
    I am shore your pleased two no
    Its letter perfect in it's weigh
    My chequer tolled me sew.

    -- Sauce unknown
    Last edited by grumpydaddy; 04-12-2010 at 12:20.
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  18. #29
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    'A California Love Story'

    A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
    After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles


    -- something she loved to do.



    As he was enjoying it,
    he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that to me?"


    "Because...," she smiled,



    "I miss mine.."

  19. The following users thank 2 For this above post:

    grumpydaddy (12-12-2010), logan (12-12-2010)

  20. #30
    Moderator

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    Default Prostate check-up...

    smduff goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.


    Duff obeys and says,"99".


    The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".


    Again, Duff says, '99'."


    The doctor said, very good Now I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
    I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.


    Duff begins, "One ... Two ...Three".
    Last edited by vinman; 17-12-2010 at 21:11.

  21. The following user thanks vinman For this above post:

    Bob2701 (17-12-2010)

  22. #31
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    Way to go Vinny... LMAO

  23. #32
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    Default

    Since more and more seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).



    ATD: At The Doctor's
    BFF: Best Friend Farted
    BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
    BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
    CBM: Covered By Medicare
    CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
    DWI: Driving While Incontinent
    FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
    FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
    FYI: Found Your Insulin
    GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
    GHA: Got Heartburn Again
    HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
    IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
    LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
    LOL: Living On Lipitor
    LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
    OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
    OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
    ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
    SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
    TTYL: Talk To You Louder
    WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
    WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
    WTP: Where's The Prunes?
    WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

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