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Thread: A new funnies thread

  1. #33
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    Default

    lmdo!
    Last edited by rrplay; 19-12-2010 at 14:16. Reason: FW2T: Forgot What to Type

  2. #34
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    Default

    one of my teachers told me:

    best gift to give your wife/girlfriend, slippers and a dildo. why? because if she doesn't like the slippers you can tell her to go f*ck herself
    What?

  3. #35
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    Default The Welfare Office

    A guy walked into the local welfare office
    to pick up his check. He marched straight
    up to the counter and said, "Hi, you know,
    I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather
    have a job." The social worker behind the
    counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
    We just got a job opening from a very wealthy
    old man who wants a Chauffeur and Bodyguard
    for his beautiful daughter. You'll have
    to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz
    CL550 and he will supply all of your clothes.
    Because of the long hours, meals will be
    provided. You'll also be expected to escort
    the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
    This is rather awkward to say, but you will
    also have to as part of your job assignment,
    satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in
    her mid 20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
    The guy, just plain wide-eyed said, "You're
    Bull****tin' me!" the social worker said, "Yeah,
    Well....You started it."


  4. #36
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    Default

    When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

    Tarzan not know sex' he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.

    Tarzan said 'Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

    Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.' She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. 'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'

    Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her hard in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.


    Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed 'What the hell did you do that for?'


    Tarzan replied, 'check for squirrel.'

  5. #37
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    Default It's Hell to be Old!

    OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!


    An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.


    The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'


    The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
    This was as clean and empty as on the previous day.


    The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,


    'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
    Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.


    'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
    She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.


    'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands,
    Then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.'


    The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
    The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

  6. #38
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    Default Alzheimer's Test

    If you are over 45 yrs old you MUST take this test...



    Alzheimer's Test




    How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?




    1. _ _NDOM





    2. F_ _K






    3. P_N_S





    4. PU_S_






    5. S_X






    6. BOO_S



    |
    |
    |
    |
    |
    |
    |
    |
    |
    |
    \/

    Answers:




    1. RANDOM




    2. FORK




    3. PANTS




    4. PULSE




    5. SIX




    6. BOOKS




    You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?







    You do NOT have Alzheimer's







    You are a Pervert!!

  7. The following users thank 2 For this above post:

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  8. #39
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    Default

    Whew , thanks.. keeping a lookout 4 the in-coming 'madcow'

  9. #40
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    Default

    heheha.....great job...
    so funny........
    Unauthorize links, REMOVED BY MOD!
    We're watching you!

  10. #41
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    Default Italian Boy's Confession

    'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.I have been with a loose girl'.

    The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Vinny Pagano ?'


    'Yes, Father, it is.'


    'And who was the girl you were with?'

    'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

    Well, Vinny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as
    well tell me now.

    Was it Tina Minetti?'

    'I cannot say.'

    'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

    'I'll never tell.'

    'Was it Nina Capelli?'

    'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

    'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

    'My lips are sealed.'

    'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

    'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

    The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.

    But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now

    for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

    Vinny walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

    'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

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  12. #42
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    Default

    LMAO

    Excellent Vinny!!

  13. #43
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    Default

    LOL somehow it doesn't surprise me Vinny.

  14. #44
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    Default a couple of quickies

    Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite ? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary


    Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action ! So I sent her my ironing. Thatíll keep the lazy woman busy.


    I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasnít what they had in mind.


    After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. Thatís when he realized he had made it home safely.


    Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, Iíll have to let her in.




    Iíve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest, I only intended to rough him up a bit.


    After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.


    A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, ďNever mind son, maybe next year youíll get a speaking part.Ē
    Last edited by vinman; 20-01-2011 at 12:30.

  15. #45
    Mathetes121

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by 4hams View Post
    Wal-Mart Cake

    make sure you read the story under the picture.

    Keep in mind this 'actually really' did happen.

    This cake is for someone who was moving from an insurance claims office



    Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

    Walmart Employee: 'Hello 'dis be Walmarts, how can I hep you?'

    Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'

    Walmart Employee: 'What you want on da cake?'

    Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.

    STOP LAUGHING!



    You can't fix stupid.

    hahahhha pure awesome!

  16. #46
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    Default

    A woman went to her doctor for advice.

    She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

    'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked. '

    Actually, yes, I do.

    ''Does it hurt you?' he asked.

    'No. I rather like it.

    ''Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice
    anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'

    The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

    'Of course, ' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians and lawyers come from.'

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    Default

    A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

    Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

    Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

    Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'

    The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'

    'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'

    'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.

    'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'

  18. #48
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    Default

    Frozen Crabs and the Blonde Flight Attendant


    A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

    She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

    Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

    Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.


    Two lessons here:


    1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.


    2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
    "You're never to old to learn something stupid."

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