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Thread: A new funnies thread

  1. #881
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    Default Re: A new funnies thread


  2. The following users thank 3 For this above post:

    Bob2701 (23-03-2015), HyperactiveSloth (02-04-2015), Smiki007 (21-03-2015)

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    Default Re: A new funnies thread


    Always look beyond the limits...

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    Default Re: A new funnies thread

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    Default Re: A new funnies thread

    The Photograph
    ----------------
    After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the nightstand by the bed.

    Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

    "No, silly", she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

    "No, not at all." she said, nibbling away at his ear.

    "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

    Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."
    "You're never to old to learn something stupid."

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    Default Re: A new funnies thread

    These three newlyweds stayed at the same Sandals Resort in Barbados for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Edward the Butler. The first husband married a nurse. As Edward showed them to their room and thought to himself, “What a lucky dude. Nurses are known to be hot to trot”.
    The husband married a telephone operator. Edward showed them to their room and thought to himself,”Wow, he’s a lucky one. Telephone operators have the sexist voices…”.
    The husband man married a school teacher. Edward showed them to their room and thought to himself “This poor guy, she’s pretty but teachers are just too uptight”.
    The following day Edward answered to work at 5:00 in the morning. He expected just the teacher’s spouse to call for breakfast any moment and the other two would call much later in the day.
    To Edward’s surprise 6:00 a.m. The phone rings it’s the nurse’s husband wanting breakfast.
    The nurse’s husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man’s pajamas were still wrinkle free and his hair nicely combed.
    Edward asked, “Sir, What happened ? You married a nurse didn’t you?”
    The man grumply replies, “Son, don’t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying ” you’re not sanitary, you’re not sanitary”.
    Edward left immediately and went back down to the lobby desk to wait for the next call.
    6:30 a.m. The telephone operator’s husband calls for breakfast.
    Edward brings breakfast as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. This time the man was fully dressed and had a sour face.
    Edward asks,” What happened?
    Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices.”
    The man sourly replies “listen, don’t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, “your four minutes are up, your four minutes are up.”
    Again Edward rushed back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.
    3:30 p.m. The teacher’s husband called for breakfast. Edward can’t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room.
    The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.
    Edward fearing the worst asked “What happened to you? Did you have a fight?”
    The man smiles and happily replies, “No. Sir, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher.
    All I heard last night was her voice saying, “We are going to do this over and over, until we get right.”

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    Default Re: A new funnies thread

    You don't know me and that's the way i like it!

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    Default Re: A new funnies thread

    Quote Originally Posted by xelosia View Post
    These three newlyweds stayed at the same Sandals Resort in Barbados for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Edward the Butler. The first husband married a nurse. As Edward showed them to their room and thought to himself, “What a lucky dude. Nurses are known to be hot to trot”.
    The husband married a telephone operator. Edward showed them to their room and thought to himself,”Wow, he’s a lucky one. Telephone operators have the sexist voices…”.
    The husband man married a school teacher. Edward showed them to their room and thought to himself “This poor guy, she’s pretty but teachers are just too uptight”.
    The following day Edward answered to work at 5:00 in the morning. He expected just the teacher’s spouse to call for breakfast any moment and the other two would call much later in the day.
    To Edward’s surprise 6:00 a.m. The phone rings it’s the nurse’s husband wanting breakfast.
    The nurse’s husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man’s pajamas were still wrinkle free and his hair nicely combed.
    Edward asked, “Sir, What happened ? You married a nurse didn’t you?”
    The man grumply replies, “Son, don’t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying ” you’re not sanitary, you’re not sanitary”.
    Edward left immediately and went back down to the lobby desk to wait for the next call.
    6:30 a.m. The telephone operator’s husband calls for breakfast.
    Edward brings breakfast as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. This time the man was fully dressed and had a sour face.
    Edward asks,” What happened?
    Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices.”
    The man sourly replies “listen, don’t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, “your four minutes are up, your four minutes are up.”
    Again Edward rushed back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.
    3:30 p.m. The teacher’s husband called for breakfast. Edward can’t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room.
    The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.
    Edward fearing the worst asked “What happened to you? Did you have a fight?”
    The man smiles and happily replies, “No. Sir, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher.
    All I heard last night was her voice saying, “We are going to do this over and over, until we get right.”

    Always look beyond the limits...

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    Default Re: A new funnies thread

    Quote Originally Posted by xelosia View Post
    These three newlyweds stayed at the same Sandals Resort in Barbados for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Edward the Butler. The first husband married a nurse. As Edward showed them to their room and thought to himself, “What a lucky dude. Nurses are known to be hot to trot”.
    The husband married a telephone operator. Edward showed them to their room and thought to himself,”Wow, he’s a lucky one. Telephone operators have the sexist voices…”.
    The husband man married a school teacher. Edward showed them to their room and thought to himself “This poor guy, she’s pretty but teachers are just too uptight”.
    The following day Edward answered to work at 5:00 in the morning. He expected just the teacher’s spouse to call for breakfast any moment and the other two would call much later in the day.
    To Edward’s surprise 6:00 a.m. The phone rings it’s the nurse’s husband wanting breakfast.
    The nurse’s husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man’s pajamas were still wrinkle free and his hair nicely combed.
    Edward asked, “Sir, What happened ? You married a nurse didn’t you?”
    The man grumply replies, “Son, don’t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying ” you’re not sanitary, you’re not sanitary”.
    Edward left immediately and went back down to the lobby desk to wait for the next call.
    6:30 a.m. The telephone operator’s husband calls for breakfast.
    Edward brings breakfast as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. This time the man was fully dressed and had a sour face.
    Edward asks,” What happened?
    Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices.”
    The man sourly replies “listen, don’t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, “your four minutes are up, your four minutes are up.”
    Again Edward rushed back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.
    3:30 p.m. The teacher’s husband called for breakfast. Edward can’t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room.
    The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.
    Edward fearing the worst asked “What happened to you? Did you have a fight?”
    The man smiles and happily replies, “No. Sir, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher.
    All I heard last night was her voice saying, “We are going to do this over and over, until we get right.”

    good stuff

    Quote Originally Posted by rrplay View Post
    The Photograph
    ----------------
    After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the nightstand by the bed.

    Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

    "No, silly", she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

    "No, not at all." she said, nibbling away at his ear.

    "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

    Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."

    "If you got it, Build it"

    A+ Certified. Dell, Lenovo, HP, Lexmarks, Xerox, Panasonic and NEC Certified ASP.

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    Default Re: A new funnies thread

    Quote Originally Posted by rrplay View Post
    The Photograph
    ----------------
    After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the nightstand by the bed.

    Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

    "No, silly", she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

    "No, not at all." she said, nibbling away at his ear.

    "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

    Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."

    Always look beyond the limits...

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    Default Re: A new funnies thread

    You don't know me and that's the way i like it!

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    Default Re: A new funnies thread

    DEFINITION OF"SERVICE"


    I became confused when I heard the word "Service" being used with these agencies:


    1. Internal Revenue "Service".
    2. U.S. Postal "Service".
    3. Telephone "Service".
    4. Cable TV "Service".
    5. Civil "Service".
    6. State, City, County and Public "Service".
    7. Customer " Service".



    This is not what I thought "Service" meant.


    But today I overheard two farmers talking and one of them said he had hired a bull to "Service" a few cows.


    BAM !!! ........It all came into focus.



    Now I understand what all those agencies are doing!

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    Default Re: A new funnies thread

    rrplay yours made me laugh so hard!

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    Default Re: A new funnies thread

    After 37 years of marriage, Jake dumped his wife for his young secretary.His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi-million dollar home. Since Jake had better lawyers, he prevailed. He gave Edith, his now ex-wife, just 3 days to move out.She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes and crates.On the 2nd day, she had two movers come and collect her things.

    On the 3rd day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eared shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

    When Jake returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything- cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

    Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

    Edith called Jake and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
    Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were the sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

    A week later, Jake and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home… Including the curtain rods.

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    this is a far better result than jake deserves, but a good story none the less
    learning is good .....understanding is better .....pleas teach with wisdom............................................ ..............calemus

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    PASSWORD

    Please Enter your password:
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    - Boiled cabbage
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    - 5fuc*ingboiledcabbage
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    - 5fuc*ingBOILEDcabbage
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    - 5fuc*ingBoiledcabbage,andgofu*kyourself,youpieceof sh*t!
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    - 5fuc*ingBoiledcabbageshoveittoyoura*sandfu*kyouand yourpasswordandyourmommytooyoufu*kinga*shole

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    Last edited by Smiki007; 10-05-2015 at 10:24.

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