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Thread: A new funnies thread

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    Default A new funnies thread

    After reading Vinman's origins of the English language I was remembering.....

    Following a midair collision between planes carrying gearboxes for a Japanese car manufacturer bystanders said it was "raining Datsun cogs"

    The following is why we love children! (Well, ........ sometimes!!?)

    1) NUDITY
    I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

    2) OPINIONS
    On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

    3) KETCHUP
    A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

    4) MORE NUDITY

    A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

    5) POLICE # 1
    While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

    6) POLICE # 2
    It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
    'It sure is,' I replied.
    Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

    7) ELDERLY
    While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs... One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

    8) DRESS-UP
    A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
    'And why not, darling?'
    'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

    9) DEATH
    While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
    The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

    10) SCHOOL
    A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

    11) BIBLE
    A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
    'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out...
    'What have you got there, dear?'
    With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
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    LOL some funny ones there.

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    Thanks for the laugh. It brought a bit of a cheer to this blueish Monday.

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    In case you didn't hear this already.....

    Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day, "you know I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door,and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

    Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky."No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Bush", his boss quickly retorts. "Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington" and off they go.

    At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up. " Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The new Pope", his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. I've known the Pope a long time" So off they fly to Rome.

    Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." and he disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

    Working his way to his boss's side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

    His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
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    One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

    As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

    When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

    Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers... our son in-law!"

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    Man is sitting on the couch and reading the paper. His wife walks in the living room and hits him with a pan over the head. "Ouch! What was that for," the man screamed. "I found a piece of paper in the pocket of your pants with the name 'Mary-Lou' written on it." He looks at her and says, "It is the name of a horse I bet on."

    A few weeks later the same man is doing the same thing, reading the newspaper when his wife hits him again over the head. Rubbing his head he asks, "What was that for now!" She looks at him and says, "Your horse just called."

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    The Sensitive Man



    A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

    They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.

    She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

    There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed In rows, covering the entire wall!

    It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

    There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

    She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. but doesn't mention this to him.

    They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

    She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips he responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

    After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

    'Well, how was it?'

    The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says........







    'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
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    LOL good one

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    I love it Keep them coming...

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    Quote Originally Posted by 4hams View Post
    I love it Keep them coming...
    I think he did!

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    Default Wal-Mart Cake "You can't fix stupid"

    Wal-Mart Cake

    make sure you read the story under the picture.

    Keep in mind this 'actually really' did happen.

    This cake is for someone who was moving from an insurance claims office



    Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

    Walmart Employee: 'Hello 'dis be Walmarts, how can I hep you?'

    Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'

    Walmart Employee: 'What you want on da cake?'

    Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.

    STOP LAUGHING!



    You can't fix stupid.

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    LMAO

    Good one Joel.

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    To funny

  20. #15
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  21. The following user thanks 4hams For this above post:

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  22. #16
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    LMFAO

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